Limericks

Rumpodous, pumpodous Sally
Was always showing her belly.
The girls shouted, “Rude!
She’s incredibly crude!”
But the boys just thought, “Sally—she’s naughty.”

And then did nothing about it.

Alex was turning his mill
Planning a carnivalled kill:
His ex from the circus
Had sent him berserkous.
Use your pen, milled Alex—be still.

Giverny Mattel, the inverted incel,
Equally hated and fancied her pal:
She longed to fuck her
For her friend was a looker!
But Giv hadn’t faced her own mother.

Arjun—he had a great passion:
To take over the world with his fashion.
But under his bed
His drawings lay dead
Too stuck in his head to make it happen.

Tilly, the secretive bully,
Found tricking her lover was funny.
‘Til one day he snapped—said,
“I’ll get you back!”
And off he went to go lick her friend’s cunny.

Cecile lay down in the bath
Thinking, “I know what’ll make them all laugh!”
And she burped and she farted
And her long legs she parted
And she started to… O you do the math.

Mo Mo was a gogo in the Congo: he lost his
Mind when he won his 12th MOBO.
Pranced and danced on his own
Shouting, “Just leave me alone!”
To his agent and fans, who were too slow.

Picture Swingin—with no end “g”—blending
Up smoothies for the boys in The Engine.
They’d rather drink pints
But Swingin hated fights!
And the fruit would help their digestion.

Sid Elaborate bought an elaborate French parrot
Because, “With all the little people, I’ve had it!
They moan and they trick
And they talk awwwwwfully thick!”
So I fed his bird carrot and killed it.

Sonique Blush made a fuss on the bus.
Told the driver, “Hurry up! I’m in a rush!”
So he turned to Miss Blush
Saying, “’Ang on a minute, love—
I’ve got all these new roadworks to suss.”

Debbie China’s with a builder in The Fiddler.
She needs an “Awww”: her ex twice bonked her sister. (Awww!)
So she’s with this lad Dean… or Danny… or Frank…
O but she don’t care about his name: she just wants a good spank!
And her sister? She can keep the vanilla fucker.

Quitting therapy, Riz found a new lover,
And they quickly got lost in one another.
But after two months she was shouting (again)
And off a-shagging and a-flouting (again)
With new boys, as she’d not healed her trauma.

Joseph said to Jesus, “Look, son—
If I was you, I’d really reign it in.
Masturbate. Focus on your health.
You’re just manic: stop running your mouth! Else
They’ll kill you. And then make up sin.”

Sinbad was in a bin bag: he felt sad.
He’d lost his friends: he’d been a right weird lad (apparently).
Because he told Gus that he loved him
And Gus said, “Fuck off, mate—I ain’t bent!”
Get out your bag, Sinbad. I’d be glad.

Nowhere Sir never heard a single word
Of the other boys’ jokes, insults or slurs.
As he knew he’d never cure
Why they were insecure.
Instead, he just fucked their girls forever more.

Quite contrary, half-story Mary
Covered her falsehoods by flashing her fairy.
The boys were so glad: “Look, lads—
Check out this gal’s nads!”
Not knowing her history was scary.

Joyless Moyles tried to foil
Any bit of love I’d try soil.
He’d pull up my plants, put ants
In my pants. So I said,
“I wish your mum had got the coil!”

Lonely Gavin, wanking in a cabin.
Rubbing his… lamp… like he was Aladdin.
And you’ll never guess what shot out…
Robin Williams—who else?!
And Gav’s wish? For someone to love him.

Super Charlie, what a darling, we all love him.
He hired a car and went abroad to fetch my cousin!
Brought her back on the rack
When she’d had a heart attack!
I’m not why she couldn’t sit in the car with him.

Even before her christening
Hatty had trouble listening.
Her parents would rage:
They weren’t on the same page!
So Hatty changed her number and ditched them.

Hakim—lost in a world of his own—
Made it hard for himself
To find someone to bone: trapped
In his own words… Though truly, he didn’t have time for birds.
For in his head he needed to roam.

Lee Taft was a daft empath.
I told him, “You gotta stop with all that crap!
You need boundaries, self-care—
Not perpetual love affairs!
Trying to save all the women on that app.”

Boozy Lucy, the tragic floozy. The one
The motherless do love to see.
She reminds them of home, of the voice
That would moan
Constantly, not realising their love for her was pity.

Drishti Sanchita, my yoga teacher,
Had changed her name from Leslie Piper.
She practiced her dog,
Said, “Ohmmmm!” an awful lot.
But hadn’t once read the Bhagavad Gita.

Clever Monkey, climbing high up in the academy
By reading all the books in his clever tree. Until he
Realised he had it all wrong: he’d been
Trapped in thought for too long.
So he climbed down to his feelings and body.

I told him, “Hey, you! Self-deprecating performer!
That act: you know it ain’t gonna do anything for ya.
Instead, you should shout: “About
Myself, there will be no doubt!”
And after that, things can only get better.”

Wally Woodward just couldn’t move forward.
He’d get so far, then fall apart as he always would.
And then one day he realised,
“It’s in my body the blocks lie!”
And so he shook, and then he cried, and then he could.

Ludwig Wittgenstein sat in a pub
Feeling duff, because, “He’s only using me
To make himself look good! And my language games
Were nonsense. I only wrote them because I was tense! But this
Boy? On second thoughts—which I wouldn’t recommend
At all: I actually quite like his stuff.”

The boy wrote a limerick for Hinge.
And as he recorded it, he thought, “This is cringe.”

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